Part 16: Time Marches On

January 6, 2024

Here we are - a new year...

Just tossed out my 2023 calendar with its target hair regrowth milestone of December 15th.  Well that came and went.  Still bald over here.

Time is moving both slow and fast.  My Christmas decorations were boxed up this year faster than you can say “gift receipt”.  New Year's Eve was spent alone on the couch, writing more of this blog.  Yawn. "Auld lang freaking syne, people," I thought to myself as I pulled on my pajamas. I was snugly in bed by 9:30.

Even moving into my new house felt more like "meh" than "milestone."

I'm distracted at work. I cannot get focused like I normally do.  My motivational "Resilience!" post-it note from Nashville, a constant cheerleader during better times, now mocks me from my monitor every morning.  I am fighting every urge to accidentally knock it into my trash can.

Everything just feels… muted. Maybe it's the post-holiday let-down, or maybe it's just me.

What's Really Gnawing at Me

But the biggest thing eating at me right now is this….Is anyone even reading these posts? Putting words on a page has never been my strong suit, so trust me, it's an effort.  Am I just writing into the void, entertaining only my close circle of friends? This whole "internet thing" feels bizarrely one-sided.  

Someone say something, anything, lol.

Since I can't actually hear your response, I'll keep writing for now -- keep logging these memories as a record of this time so I can look back and reflect on how this changes the trajectory of my life when I'm old and… well, I can't even say "gray" anymore, can I? Ugh. The irony of even just wanting gray hair!  (Seriously, the universe has a dark sense of humor.)

(Okay, deep breaths. I promise you I’m focusing now.)

So what’s the point of this post today?  I guess it’s confession time:  your girl is down.  Isolation is messing with my head, the hope for a quick fix is fading, and the frustration of losing control over my own body is disempowering – all dark companions in the middle of winter.

I know I can't be the only one struggling with the blues, feeling adrift.... even if your storm is different than mine. (Lord, I hope there aren't too many of you out here in this same, scary storm as me.)

 So, internet void, if you're listening, here's my plea:

Anyone out there who's walked this path before me,

send a word of encouragement my way. 

Toss me a tip, share a battle cry, or send just a simple "you got this."  

Because just maybe, in the vast echo chamber of the internet,

a single voice could be the spark that reignites my hope.

So, hit me with your best shot.  Comments are open below, and a virtual hug would be much appreciated. Orrrr... just keep reading.

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