Part 6: Longing to Leave Limbo

August 7, 2023

When you're neither here nor there...

The air has thinned, dear readers, not just the summer air, but the air around my own optimism. This August finds me adrift in the murky waters of the "dreaded limbo state," where clarity is a mirage and certainty flees like a startled fawn. Brace yourselves for the gloomy deep dive of this post...

Here it is, now early August already and our bi-annual corporate retreat loomed. Work became a whirlwind, mirroring the chaos within, and the pace of the prep work increased as did my hours "at the office".  Each day, my reflection in the mirror showed a little less me, a little more mystery. "Surely, I'm going bald," I'd joke to a colleague, the humor masking a rising tide of fear.  But the truth was, the hairpocalypse wasn't slowing down, and my sunny disposition was starting to dim as fast as my favorite black t-shirt washed in hot water. 

Help Wanted: A Doctor with Amazing Hair

*The OG bald spot just kept growing...^

This limbo, this unknowing, was wreaking havoc on my mind. I craved a diagnosis, a path forward, anything to break free from this purgatory. I scoured the internet for a dermatologist that I could consult, looking not just for the usual doctorly qualifications, but specifically for a woman with a gorgeous head of hair who could truly understand the emotional toll of female hair loss.  Voila! I found my unicorn doctor, and booked an appointment (two agonizing weeks away).

Over the course of those next two weeks, my hair was everywhere except staying on my head where it was supposed to be.  Clothes, floor, car, acai bowl.  Knowing I was going to have to go face the entire company in a few short days, I texted my hairdresser again, "Need hair done.  Stat."  When I arrived, my normally bubbly hairdresser, Elva, took one look at my scalp and her usual vibrancy muted. Silence and focus replaced her usual Latin salsa soundtrack, a silent testimony to the gravity of the situation.  A six-inch chop and henna hair color later (no harsh chemicals on this scalp anymore, ladies!), I emerged a shoulder-length, mousy-haired version of myself. Mane mistake? Major. Ego deflated? Absolutely.  I walked out of there defeated. First thought as I get into my car, what do I do with my dating profile now? Either switch it to the mousy version of myself or risk the tag as a catfish.  I decided just to pause it instead, I couldn't deal with the agony of total defeat just yet.

Nashville, my nemesis was now just days away. Despite all my hair drama, I still had to travel to Nashville to face the work fam for the week and lead the team through a Q4 planning exercise. Armed with Nioxin and a satin pillowcase (the ultimate hair-saving duo, right?), I got on the airplane, prepared to conquer the world... or at least the conference room. I couldn't control how self-conscious I felt - like everyone could see my bald spots (yes, def more than one at this point).  I finally had to tell more of my colleagues what was happening to me. 

Sharing my story though, instead of offering solace, amplified the harsh reality. The week dragged on, an eternity. I tried to stay focused on work as I had a junior team to rally before we headed into our final quarter of the year. I led the team through the requisite corporate exercises, touting my usual tales of envisioning the future through the lens of the past, and making the plans to further build our corporate resilience to outplay and outlast our competition, blah blah blah.

Aw Snap...

*Last pic heading into my final haircut^

But here's the thing, babes: amidst the storm, a beacon emerged. My "resilience" lessons, the ones I preached to my team, boomeranged back, whispering:  "Take your own medicine, Kristina.  Stay resilient: Mental focus, physical strength, emotional toughness."  It was time to walk the walk in my own life. Deep inside, I knew it was time to get introspective, to envision what was next for me personally and plan the path forward to figuring out my hair loss.  The very tools I was sharing with my team became my new reality - I just needed to listen to my damn self lol. 

So, the point of this post? To tell you shit got real. It's not all perfectly curated Instagram feeds. It's messy, it's raw, it's real. I was distracted, unfocused, sad, angry, confused, lonely.  I looked awful just wanted to go home and hide. I knew I was headed down a dangerous path as my usually sunny outlook morphed into one of gnawing fear. What was happening to my body felt different. Something was really wrong. My body, in its cellular wisdom, knew the hair ship had sailed, and darker waters lay ahead. Intuition's a strange, powerful thing.

Stay tuned, hair warriors, as I chart this new course, strand by courageous strand. And if you're lost in your own limbo, remember, your story might just be the lighthouse someone else needs to see, please share here in the comments below! And if you don't want to do that, at least keep reading....

Continue Reading

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Side note: One other highlight of the trip was that I got back into listening to hemi-sync audios and binaural beats at night before sleep.  There is something about their flow that resets my brain and brings me back to thinking with "my mind" rather than just "my brain", if that makes any sense. 

You should try it out if you haven't.

(Did you end up on this page and find yourself unexpectedly in the middle of my story? Click here to start it from the top.)